DO YOU UNKNOWINGLY DISCOURAGE YOUR TEENS FROM TALKING TO YOU–LETS HAVE SOME REALITY CHECK !!!!
Does talking to your teens seem to be an uphill battle?
Do they just give you one word answer and talk and text to their friends for the rest of the time?
Do you crave for effective communication with your teens?
Ever wondered what you might do to talk like friends with them?
Tanya has turned 15 few months back and she is vibrant towards life with less interest in academics. Back from school she grabs a water bottle from refrigerator, and she is asked by her Mom – “How was your day?” Tanya says – “fine” and quickly retires to her bedroom. Clearly she doesn’t want to talk much is what we all will think. However, Tanya goes to her bedroom and talks to her friends and here starts the whirlpool of communication. She texts, calls, video calls, does social media keeping herself busy interacting with her friends for the rest of the evening.
Why would Tanya not do even 10 % of talk that she does with her friends?
Ever thought if you as a Parents had made so critical communication Mistakes earlier?
We all want to encourage our teens to talk to us but do we really know how can we do that?
How about avoiding to make the below
Mentioned mistakes in communication with your teens?
1.Do you Trivialize the situation?
2.Do you Talk favour of your Teen’s opponent
3.Do you revert with Sarcasm?
4.How good you are at acknowledging Your Teen’s Feelings?
5.Is the conversation “All about you”?
6.Do you pass a Judgement without visible support?
7.Do you keep your Reactions in check?
8.Is the Problem solving done without making kids dependent?
9.Do you play The Game of Blame?
10.Do you show Lack of support and faith in your teen’s big Ideas
Let us discuss these aspects in my upcoming blogs...
Followings are the common mistakes as parent we do...
1.Do you Trivialize the situation?
Whether it’s a bad hair day, a stupid cancelled date, a conflict with friends, a grade down at school, gaining a little weight, etc can seem like an emergency to teens. Now for Parents all this things is trivial as they might be dealing with bigger issues. No matter what, Parents should avoid disregard. They should refrain from saying things like “Get over it” or It’s not the end of the world or “It’s not a big deal, “Are you mad to think about such things”. If you do, it will be perceived as you do not understand their problems and thus leads to discouraging communication.
2.Do you Talk favour of your Teen’s opponent
Teens might get upset on things they shouldn’t be. However, in such situations, most Parents make the mistake of justifying the situation which is actually bothering teens. Tanya is upset as her teacher insulted in front of her classmates. She does talk to her Mom when she is home. On the contrary, Mom cannot help to justify teacher’s actions and she says – Your teacher might have to do that in order to get your attention and control the class” Worst mistake made by her Mom. This will alienate Tanya and frustrate her ever more. She just needed some empathetic listening and now she has decided to not express her feelings.
When your teen tells you she’s upset about someone else’s behaviour, avoid jumping into to justify or explain the other person’s behaviour. If you do, you’ll likely alienate your teen even more. For example, saying something like, “Well your teacher probably has to raise her voice to get you to listen,” will frustrate your teen even further. Instead of supporting your teen’s arch enemy, simply listen to her as she expresses her feelings.
3.Do you revert with Sarcasm?
Sarcasm is anger’s little sister. All relationships has a place for humor and healthy teasing; however, sarcasm can be hurtful. Most parents try to convey what they want in the form of sarcasm and indirect criticism at times. Relationship with your teens will be strained if you use sarcasm even if you are trying to be funny.
4.How good you are at acknowledging Your Teen’s Feelings?
Drama is at the core of teenager’s life; however, their emotional responses do not make much sense to adults. They despise dialogues like “You shouldn’t get so upset,” or “It doesn’t make sense to get this angry over something so small”. Even if you do not understand your teen’s emotions, acknowledging it correctly is very important.
5.Is the conversation “All about you”?
Parents tend to lecture their kids giving examples with the comparisons of their lives with their teens. It turns the discussion to a negative and bring a sense of resistance in the teenager’s mind. They feel “ what’s their fault” or “this is not your time anymore”. Moreover, they are discouraged to share because they think your wavelength do not match with theirs.
6.Do you pass a Judgement without visible support?
Most of the time, Parents just listen to one side of the story. It doesn’t take them much time to express disapproval and that leads to isolating their teens. Before parents share their opinion, enough focus should be given to the teen’s side of the story. Also, conversation should not include the statements like “you should have done this” “why can’t you just go and talk to them”. Rather, conversation can be very positive by Parents like “I feel if you do this, it will help you a lot or It feels if you go and talk to them, I am sure, it will be sorted for you.
7.Do you keep your Reactions in check?
With all glory, excitement and drama, Teenage is also an age of attention seeking. Something’s are done only for the shock value. They may show up with weird tattoos or purple hair or horrifying stories. Instead, respond in a calm manner. Showing shock and horror will only encourage your teen’s attention-seeking behaviour to continue.
8.Is the Problem solving done without making kids dependent?
It’s difficult for Parents to see their children suffer. However, solving the teenager’s problem without them asking for your help, they won’t learn to solve their own problems. The best way is to let them share, express and vent their emotions. And if they still need your help, show them you are always there. It is advisable to work on problem solving as a team.
9.Do you play The Game of Blame?
Pointing out the fault in the conversation will simply add fuel to the fire. Parents want their children to take the responsibility of their behaviour. However, if they will blame, then the conversation will be cut short and teens will never admit their faults. Avoid saying things like, “You are responsible for whatever happened” “That wouldn’t have happened if you were polite enough or sincere enough”
Instead, positive probing can be done to promote further discussion such as, “If you could get one more opportunity to do it over again, would you like doing it differently?” Your conversation should help them accept their responsibility.
10.Do you show Lack of support and faith in your teen’s big Ideas
Teens tend to have certain ideas that will clash with reality. Avoiding to encourage your teens to live in the Fantasy world is must; and at the same time one should show support and appreciation for new ideas.
For example, if your child says, “I want to be a great movie star once I’m older,” don’t say, “You’d better be best at everything if you think you want to do that someday.” Instead, show curiosity and ask questions such as, “How do you think you will do that? Or show support by saying, “Wow that would be make you very famous one day” To promote positive conversation to continue, parents should react in supportive manner.
Followings are the remaining mistakes as parent we do in communication...
1.Do you pass a Judgement without visible support?
Most of the time, Parents just listen to one side of the story. It doesn’t take them much time to express disapproval and that leads to isolating their teens. Before parents share their opinion, enough focus should be given to the teen’s side of the story. Also, conversation should not include the statements like “you should have done this” “why can’t you just go and talk to them”. Rather, conversation can be very positive by Parents like “I feel if you do this, it will help you a lot or It feels if you go and talk to them, I am sure, it will be sorted for you.
2.Do you keep your Reactions in check?
With all glory, excitement and drama, Teenage is also an age of attention seeking. Something’s are done only for the shock value. They may show up with weird tattoos or purple hair or horrifying stories. Instead, respond in a calm manner. Showing shock and horror will only encourage your teen’s attention-seeking behaviour to continue.
3.Is the Problem solving done without making kids dependent?
It’s difficult for Parents to see their children suffer. However, solving the teenager’s problem without them asking for your help, they won’t learn to solve their own problems. The best way is to let them share, express and vent their emotions. And if they still need your help, show them you are always there. It is advisable to work on problem solving as a team.
4.Do you play The Game of Blame?
Pointing out the fault in the conversation will simply add fuel to the fire. Parents want their children to take the responsibility of their behaviour. However, if they will blame, then the conversation will be cut short and teens will never admit their faults. Avoid saying things like, “You are responsible for whatever happened” “That wouldn’t have happened if you were polite enough or sincere enough”
Instead, positive probing can be done to promote further discussion such as, “If you could get one more opportunity to do it over again, would you like doing it differently?” Your conversation should help them accept their responsibility.
5.Do you show Lack of support and faith in your teen’s big Ideas
Teens tend to have certain ideas that will clash with reality. Avoiding to encourage your teens to live in the Fantasy world is must; and at the same time one should show support and appreciation for new ideas.
Why Adolescent Health And Why Now?
Adolescents must be taken more seriously in efforts to improve health worldwide.
There are almost 1.2 billion adolescents in the world, and almost 90 percent live in low and middle income countries.
Adolescent boys are also greatly neglected in terms of their health -- especially mental health and education needs -- and are disproportionately forced into child labour. The risks of drug use and violence are also considerably higher among boys, and young people account for almost 40 percent of all new HIV infections. Girls have much greater risks of coerced sex and are frequent victims of sexual violence. Worldwide, up to half of all sexual assaults are committed against girls under 16. Adolescent girls are more likely to be malnourished than adolescent boys with high rates of anemia and micronutrient deficiencies.
despite the best efforts of some agencies, is adolescent health neglected ? Firstly, some of the evidence linked to the importance of adolescent mental and physical health to human development is as yet not fully appreciated by policy makers. Secondly, the solutions to many of the issues affecting adolescents have not been systematically collated and are considered complex to implement. In the hands of practitioners and health care services, adolescent health remains void in much of the developing world, with few services able to provide comprehensive and user-friendly services to adolescents. Adolescent boys and girls currently fall between pediatricians and adult physicians, and even for those in schools, existing services do not provide comprehensive and confidential preventive and promotive care. Finally, notwithstanding the global statistics shared above, there are few indicators or measures by which to track adolescent health and wellbeing. Very few of the existing demographic and health surveys forming the basis for policy making globally have adolescent health and nutrition indicators -- and as a result there is an information gap at country level. There is some work underway in this regard, but it has not yet achieved much traction in low- and middle-income countries.
Am I a good parent?
“it bothers me a lot whether I am a good parent.”
A mother of a fourteen year – old boy and a sixteen year – old girl told me.! “I think what I do is right. I suppose one never knows. It seems all unpredictable. Things change from day to day. I will say something and they will flare up. The next time it is all sweetness and light.”
What can be done?
Every child is uncharted territory . The needs of one youngster aren’t going to be the needs of another. Parenting teenagers is going to involve a mixture of intuition , confusion , doubt , guilt , knowledge , and uncertainly as well as a great deal of Joy and Pleasure.
“JUST REMEMBER, TO ERR IS PARENTAL”
No matter who you are , no matter the depth of your knowledge and strength of your convictions, mistakes are inevitable. The relationship between an adolescent and a parent is fragile.
What really matter is our trying to be as honest as we can with ourselves. The greatest thing a parent can do is keeping the “DOOR ALWAYS OPEN” . Always be there to talk and listen , no matter what has happened.
In a long run , what will really count is not a specific bit of behaviour , a particular action , or words said that should have been unsaid , but overall sense of caring and communication – keeping the door open no matter what.
How can I help my teenager fulfil his/her own potential?
“I feel terribly conflicted. On the one hand, I think I should just sit back and let my son and daughter go off and do their own thing. By this, however, I mean to give them opportunities. How and what they do with these opportunities is their decision, not mine. On the other hand, it drives me up a wall when I see talents in my son that are being wasted. He has so many skills.”
“It’s all fine and good when so called experts talk about not overdoing directions, Parental pressures and demands, but let’s face it, this is not the same world as it was years ago. Kids need to develop skills in this day and age.”
...Mother of three teenagers.
Every teenager is unique. What works better for any given child or parent may be completely inappropriate for another teenager. You will have to judge your particular circumstances. However, despite all the enormous individual differences, here are few important suggestions.
…Listen more than talk..
...Encourage more than direct…
...Inform but don’t evaluate.
How do I establish a close relationship with my teenager?
“We get the feeling that our job now in life is to support them, have food on table, provide clothes and save for college . Sometimes, we feel “USED”. There are days when ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ is sum total of our conversation. Oh! We used to have a close relationship and do things together. No more.”
--- Parent of two teenage boys said this to me!
Close relationship:
Relationship with adolescents, for the most part, involve chores, responsibilities, problems, conflicts, and the business of living without equal amount of employment.
When relationship between parents and adolescents focus primarily on the business of living to the exclusion of anything that might be done together for enjoyment, the relationship automatically slips into a sober stance. Everything is problem oriented and the goal is to solve the problem.!
What can be done?
The key words are SHARE & ENJOY. We should be determined to make shared activities with our adolescent a regular part of our lives together. This eliminate such things as sitting watching television together, meeting at dinner table to go over problems. To create time together that should not revolve around problems, our advice and long tasks.
Let your teens come up with ideas of spending fun time together. Like bicycle ride, removing loan , going for shopping, swimming together. The important thing is not what you do or where you do it , but the process of sharing in something together that is totally for fun. Share an enjoyable experience so that you have a chance to discover depth in each other you may never have realised were there.Memories of such experiences will last the rest of your lives.
Do you have more ideas of sharing and enjoying with your teen ?
How do I get my teenager to communicate with me?
“It is maddening . Every time I try to talk seriously with my kids, they give me this blank look. It doesn’t take a genius to know what they are thinking. I’m no different from any other parent in this world. I want to do the best for my kids. How can I if we can’t communicate?”--- Mother of two teenage girls.
Why these things happen!!
The “turning off” and “turning out” seems to come abruptly when kids enter their teens. Adolescence is a time of growing independence. The first step in that direction is NOT reporting every detail of their lives. But at the same time it’s frustrating not to have meaningful verbal exchanges. Little scrape of information would mean so much to a parent.
Communication is the key!
As adults we are sure we know how to communicate. But when we ask our teens about that , what we think communication , it appears to them as the third degree.!
How do I handle my teenager's MOOD swings?
“One minute he’s on top of the world; the next minute he locks himself in his room, turns up the stereo, blasting it loud enough to make us all deaf. You can’t get a word out of him. As a little boy he was always sunshine. Everyone has off moments. We’re human. What bothers me is the unpredictability of his moods. The swings are getting to us...
...Mother of a seventeen-year-old boy...
Are mood swings inevitable? Probably so. Knowing that mercurial behaviour has a psychological bases can be very helpful in learning to deal with moods.
The first important step for parents to accept the swingswith understanding.
What can be done...
...Do not overreact...
...Do not intensify problem by sharing your feelings...
...Listen with extra measure of sympathy and understanding...
...Allow to “COOL IT’...
...Let the tensions have time to simmer down and fade away...
When the safety, welfare, and mental health of your teenager is in danger intervention is absolute must. Just count to ten before you take action…
Share your stories regarding how you handled mood swings of your teenager?......................
How to Stop Worrying and Avoid Helicopter Parenting
“When I was young, my mom and dad sent us out to play in the morning in our neighborhood, and we didn’t come home until dinner time,” a friend said to me recently. “But times have changed. I feel like I have to keep constant tabs on my kids. I wish they could have the kind of childhood I did, but what can I do? I need to make sure they’re safe.”
Here’s the truth: When you expect something, you will find it. And when you try to fix what you worry about, you inadvertently create it.
Times have changed, and of course we all want to protect our kids and make sure they’re safe and healthy. Where this can become problematic is when parents attempt to remove obstacles in their child’s path, or try to ensure that their kids will never experience pain, disappointment or discomfort. Enter the helicopter parent.
Related: Are you doing too much for your child?
Where Does the Anxiety about Our Kids Come from?
What is at the heart of most helicopter parenting? Anxiety—about our kids’ safety, happiness, and ability to navigate in the world. Many of us spend a large percentage of our time second guessing every move we make as parents. Our minds cause us to project our worst fears onto our children – we love them so much and we want to protect them from any harm. Over time, we can become hyper vigilant for any signs of trouble in an attempt to cut it off at the pass. This constant vigilance can become larger-than-life, though, because we start imagining and projecting things we shouldn’t on to our kids.
If our kids are unhappy, we might overreact and automatically try to make them feel okay. If they are uncertain, we may mistake this for deep insecurity and shower them with praise and assurance. We “futurize” negative outcomes when our imaginations get activated. In fact, it’s been proven that our brains are wired in a way that makes negatives stick like Velcro, while the positives slide off like Teflon. Worry kicks in. “Is my kid really okay? Is he too aggressive, too quiet, too loud, too tall, too short? Is he showing signs of insecurity? Is he acting like my brother, who didn’t turn out so well? Do I need to give my daughter more attention since I didn’t get enough as a child?”
Listen, none of us wants to “screw up” our kids…but the absolute surest way to do just that is to constantly worry about screwing them up! That is the frustrating irony. We want to do it all right, but sometimes our insecurity about getting it all wrong leads to hovering and tracking our kids for the first signs of expected trouble. Here’s the truth: When you expect something, you will find it. And when you try to fix what you worry about, you inadvertently create it. This is a self -fulfilling prophecy in action, and it’s exactly what leads kids to feel self conscious and insecure about themselves. You see, children often have the belief that, “If my parent is worrying about me, then there must be something about me to be worried about!”
Related: How to get your child to be accountable and take responsibility for his behavior.
The “Worried-Driven Cycle”
The “Worried-Driven Cycle” is the way anxiety moves through relationships. Here’s a scenario to explain how the “Worried – Driven Cycle” can go with a parent and child:
Karen is the mom of two boys. She worries about screwing them up and having them grow up to be insecure. She is especially anxious about her 15-year-old son, Jack, who is defiant, acts out and has problems with authority.
She nervously “over-focuses” on Jack (and always has) and looks for signs of his insecurity and low self-esteem. Karen is hyper vigilant for any sign that he’s not okay—and then when she feels her fears are confirmed, she either tiptoes around him, or tries to fix things for him.
After years of this, Jack has come to rely on her focus and attentiveness. Even though he would never say so, he is both anxious about her concern about him and reliant on her constant attention and focus.
As a teen, Jack has become anxious about himself and “other- focused”—reliant on attention and focus from others for his sense of worth—the pattern he learned from his relationship with his parents. He comes to need “other validation” in order to feel good about himself in all of his relationships, and feels insecure if he doesn’t get it. This is exactly what his parent feared would occur and tried desperately to prevent by hovering, doing too much and removing obstacles from his path.
What can we learn from this scenario? Stop looking for evidence to confirm your worries. Realize that your worrying gets in your child’s way.
6 Steps to Avoid Over-worrying and Helicopter Parenting
Here are 6 DON’Ts when it comes to over-worrying, over-focusing on your child and being a helicopter parent:
Don’t hover over your child.
Don’t tie your 5-year-old’s shoes when she can tie her own, or dress her when she can dress herself. Avoid hovering and holding her back from normal “risks” a child would take at her age level. It’s also not a good idea to talk to her teachers incessantly, or answer all your child’s questions so she doesn’t have to think of answers for herself. If she hesitates to make her own decisions, try not to jump in and do it for her—let her reason it out on her own if she can. Allow her to feel discomfort or pain; it’s part of growing up. Don’t prevent her from struggling or rescue her from life’s hardships. Kids can’t learn if their parents are always doing it for them.
Related: Are you stuck in an anxiety cycle, worrying about your child?
2. Don’t put your worry on your child’s back.
Don’t focus on your child morning, noon and night, imagining all the worst outcomes. Let go of negative thoughts about her future, like, “What if she doesn’t amount to anything when she grows up? Is her shyness a sign of her lack of confidence?” Don’t interrogate her when you get anxious, and keep asking, “Are you okay? “ “Are you sure?” Or “That looks difficult. Are you sure you can handle that?” Or “Do you have anyone to play with at recess? Who?” Don’t look for evidence to confirm your worst fears about your child.
3. Don’t make your child the center of your universe.
Don’t try to get all your emotional needs met by your child. If you’re there at his beck-and-call and over-functioning for him (in other words, doing for him what he can do for himself), he’ll have a hard time functioning on his own in the world. Most importantly, don’t allow his achievements to determine your self-worth and validation as a parent.
4. Don’t label your child.
Negatively (or even positively) labeling your child is not a good idea, because it can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, or push her into a box that isn’t right for her. Don’t remind one of your kids that she is “the pretty one” or “the funny one” or “the lazy one” or “the one who will turn out just like Dad.” Avoid saying, “You never…” or “You always…” Let go of deciding now who your child is or will become; nobody knows yet, not even your child. Allow yourself to imagine other possibilities. The bottom line is that words are powerful, so don’t make negative predictions about what your child will become.
Related: How to give your child consequences that really work!
5. Don’t take it personally if your child doesn’t agree with you, or does things differently from you.
If you get in your child’s head, he won’t be able to hear his own thoughts and beliefs. Even if he thinks differently than you, don’t argue with him over it—instead, invite him to tell you more. Don’t shut him down when he has ideas or opinions that are different from the ones you would like him to have, or insist on having the last word. And finally, try not to take things personally if he chooses a different path in life than the one you thought he would take.
6. Don’t focus on your child as a way of not having to deal with your own struggles.
This is a big one, and can be very hard for parents. Try not to get so involved in your child’s life that you neglect your own. Don’t think or worry about your child so much that you avoid thinking about your own life, your work or your adult relationships. What I often say to parents is, “Don’t focus so much on taking care of your child’s garden that you forget to tend to your own.”
What’s a better approach? Let your child experience the consequences of his actions. Let go of constant worry as a parent, and realize you can’t control everything your kids do—you can only respond to how they behave. Try to see their strengths as well as their struggles. You can avoid over-worrying and being a helicopter parent if you work on developing strong relationships with your children by getting to know them for who they are. Allow them to make their own mistakes, face their own consequences, and solve their own problems. This will allow you to let go of hovering, doing too much for your kids and worrying about them all the time, and best of all, it will help you become a calmer, more peaceful parent.
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